With Christmas over I feel it’s appropriate to share an ongoing argument between my wife and I: The existence of Santa Clause. I joke with my wife all the time about ruining Santa Clause for our daughter (Now 7 months old and just enjoyed her first Christmas). Every time I make the threat I get a funny look and cute little squeal from my wife. “Please don’t honey!”
I just can’t help myself. Personally, I’ve never been a big fan of Santa Clause. I find it strange that some fat dude who works one day a year gets to be the moral authority for children. Have you seriously thought about how screwed up that is? Let’s break it down:
An overweight, elderly man kidnaps a rather large group of short people and traps them on one of the coldest places on the planet so they can’t escape alive. He then forces them into slave labor for 364 straight days building inexpensive, outdated toys. During this time, he sits by a fire while his poor, old wife brings him milk, cookies, and more pipe weed to support his smoking habit.
When Christmas Eve hits, it almost gets worse. This fat guy in a red suit (Does he ever change his clothing?) forces a large group of deer to fly him all over the planet in under twelve hours to deliver toys to kids Mr. Judge-And-Jury has deemed “nice”. He lands on your roof causing thousands of dollars worth of damage due to the weight of eight deer, one fat guy, a huge metal sled and a big bag of toys for kids all over the World. He breaks into your home, eats your cookies and drinks your milk and if he can he’ll kiss your mother. Once he’s done he floats up your chimney, probably loosening the brink mortar with his fat body causing a fire hazard that will kill your whole family on Christmas day when you light a fire to create a cozy atmosphere and laughs his ass all the way to the next house.
So, hopefully you understand why I don’t want this one working day a year, overweight, slave driving, wife neglecting moralist admired by any of my children.
Next up, the Easter Bunny. I just have to convince my wife that a bunny that shits chocolate eggs probably has a serious drug problem.