The Good Old In and Out–If You’re Lucky

As Dwight K. Schrute from The Office would ask: Question? Have you ever been trying to have a conversation with someone and it keeps getting interrupted? The best example would be at work. There you are, either giving or taking direction from someone in a very serious discussion.

A coworker walks up. They don’t excuse themselves, clear their throat, or even hold up a hand to try and draw attention their way. They just start talking. Maybe this happens repeatedly during your attempt to get through this important discussion. Pretty frustrating, isn’t it?

Here’s another question. Maybe this one will be an even better example: You finally convince a friend to watch one of your favorite, all-time movies with you. They never wanted to watch this movie with you in the first place because their taste in movies is different than yours. You’re a Saving Private Ryan kind of guy where as they are a Saving Ryan’s Privates kind of guy. No matter—they decide to sit there and give it a chance, but while you’re watching the movie, and primarily during the serious parts, your friend leans over on the couch and flicks you in the ball sack. This happens over, and over, and over again. That would almost drive you insane, wouldn’t it? You might be driven to throw yourself out the eighth story of a building. Why did I come up with these examples? What am I setting you up for? Well, because that’s what it’s like to try and have sex with my wife with a 2 month old in the house.

Since our daughter was born, my wife and I have had sex once. We did it almost immediately after we were cleared by the doctor. We were cleared 6 weeks ago to do the Hanky Panky, Giggity Giggity, Humping, The Nasty, Freaky Time, The Good Old In and Out, Sliding Down the Banister, The Funky Monkey, Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow, Putting My Beef in Her Taco, Banging It Out, Bumping Uglies, Getting Effed, Parking the Sedan in the Garage, Leaving a Deposit, Getting Cleared to Drop the Bomb, Placing It, Hiding the Snake, Drilling for Oil, Handling the Situation, Sending in My Team Member, Diving into the Cave, Falling in the Ravine, Putting my P in her V, etc.

I need sex. In fact, my wife needs sex too. She’s said so. I’m shocked by that. The baby, however, will not allow it. My wife and I have a rule that she must be sleeping before we can Engage into Warp Drive. Every time we’ve tried she’s either been fussy, talkative, squirmy, or just all out crying. I don’t know if she senses it, but she seems to know something. I think she’s a genius, personally. How else would she thwart our every attempt? Until we can figure out how our baby knows, or we find a way to Just Do it (Heh, Nike), we both will live in constant anticipation of the event. At this point I fear that when we finally do get a chance to have sex I’ll be so wound up I might kill my wife by cumming into her brain. I’ve heard that sperm can travel at 12,329 miles per second. I guess we’ll see.

Until that day, my personal excursions in the shower are going to have to be good enough to rid myself of the poisons. At some point I’ll need my wife, and she has assured me she needs me as well. I also think it’s important our baby be the first priority in our lives, and if she wants to be fussy, talkative, squirmy, or just all out cry than mommy and daddy will be patient and wait until we can find the right time to Get it On.

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About Modern American Man

I'm a blogger from the Pacific Northwest who wants to create dialogue about American culture.
This entry was posted in Cynicism and Sarcasm, Life Less Ordinary and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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