I want my new born daughter to end up like Lindsay Lohan. Seriously. Let me explain…
Lindsay Lohan is 24 years old. My daughter is 2 months old. In 24 years I will be 61. Where am I going with this? I’m just setting the stage so far.
In 1986, the year Lindsay Lohan was born, the most troublesome young vixen in the headlines was Molly Ringwald. In 1986 Molly Ringwald starred in Pretty in Pink. In that movie she wore a controversial prom dress that sent the entertainment world spinning. Fans were flabbergasted. It was pink! No shit, huh? Pink? In the eighties? A week after the film premiered Molly Ringwald was asked why she wore that dress. She simply stated “It was in the script.” What a whore! It was in the script? Wow lady. You were so controversial in 1986. Ringwald was way ahead of her time. Imagine if she would have worn matching shoes? That’s too hard to imagine.
Now, let’s flash forward to present day. Think about how many other controversial female celebrities there have been since then. Staggering, isn’t it? But take note: With each passing year the public offenses get worse, starting with Molly Ringwald and that pink stained cloth chode she draped over her frail vegetarian framed body. Here’s a bullet point list of female celebrities from 1986 to present day that have been controversial. I have given each one a description that identifies the controversial nature of their behavior. Again, take note: The offenses worsen with each passing female celebrity:
- Heather Locklear: Hair way too blonde
- Gillian Anderson: Red heads are not on TV shows about the FBI investigating abnormal disturbances
- Jenny McCarthy: Blondes are not funny and in Playboy
- Christina Applegate: Nipple flash on every episode of Married With Children
- Winona Ryder: She dated Keanu Reeves—Enough said
- Marisa Tomei: She played a loud mouth hooker in My Cousin Vinny (Well, in my opinion she was a hooker—Who pretends to be Joe Pesci’s boyfriend for free?)
- Shannon Doherty: She left 90210 and got arrested for a DUI and then went on a show about lesbian witch sisters
- Carmen Electra: She dated that pimp Dennis Rodman and proceeded to whore herself out to horror spoof franchises like Scary Movie
Now, we’re up to Lindsay Lohan. Her malfeasances are numerous, but mostly embody the offenses of all those women above combined; except Lindsay never played a red-headed FBI agent and she didn’t date Keanu Reeves. However, I think she blew Dennis Rodman in a Vegas elevator, but I can’t prove it.
My point is this: 24 years from now, what examples will be set for my daughter? What young, possibly unborn, hellcat will be the model for all young ladies to follow? If the behavior of each new, young, female role model gets worse, than what will they be like when I’m 61 and my daughter is 24? It just hit me. If they were to be born it might be soon. I should start combing hospitals and shaking down parents who look irresponsible; especially the fathers. The father is always to blame for how a daughter turns out, right? Wait. Maybe I should kick my own ass. No, no. I’m pretty responsible. At least, that’s what my therapist told me in 1994 right before I got arrested for skinny dipping at the Sea World dolphin tank.
Back to my point: What will the young starlets of the future offer in ways of proper role modeling? What can we expect? Maybe a crack smoking, cop beating, back alley urinating, Oscar winning actress who started her career on the Disney channel? Maybe it’ll be even more futuristic and outlandish than that! Maybe it will be an alien humping, interdimensional drug selling, robotic police force annihilating, former Nickelodeon at Night starring, Keanu Reeves dating vampire hooker actress! Man that would be both outlandish and pants shitting terrifying!
If that ends up being the type of role model of the future for young women, than I want my newborn daughter to end up like Lindsay Lohan.