Of All My Hopes, That is the Greatest

Watching your baby develop is an amazing thing. My 2 month old daughter has become a wizard at sticking her tongue out exactly when I do. She’s even attempted to open and close her right hand when I do. Each time she tries you can see her stare hard at my hand as I slowly spread apart and then collapse my fingers around palm. She slowly lifts her right arm, opens her little fingers, looks down at them, and then looks up at me again, smiles and proceeds to stick her tongue out.

Each time is followed by a smile that could make a hard-hearted person tear up with a joy that resides in the depths of their spirit. I’m not sure if sticking out her tongue is just easier or funnier. No matter the reason I feel special to see such new life smile in such a sweet way. There are many things I hope my baby daughter will continue to copy her mother and me on. I hope she will go to college like her mother. I hope she will be persistent and positive like her father. I hope she will always have a plan like both her mother and I, and I hope she will believe in something greater than herself that will guide her through her plan. I hope she will find love and not just the type of Fort Lauderdale, FL/Spring break love, but a partner in her life that will compliment her strengths and lift her during her weak moments. Of course, she must do the same for that person as well. I hope she learns to be best friends with her siblings. I hope she will find one great life-friend who will become like family. I think that’s very important. I don’t know why, exactly. I just do. My wife and I have that in our lives.  

If I could decide right now what to have my 2 month old daughter emulate it would be this: Get up every time it’s needed, walk into the bathroom, and take a shit in the toilet. Seriously. In all my life I never realized how much a breast fed baby shits. I’m not kidding: It’s like twice an hour. My wife and I have done research on this. It’s normal. We’ve called the doctor. The doctor said “It’s fine. It will calm down as she gets older.” What does that mean, gets older? Like, how old? 6 months? 1 year? 12 years old? My wife is dedicated to breast feeding. She’s as dedicated to breast feeding as I was in giving my little brother’s a “Good Morning Face-Fart” every Saturday morning for 12 years. I hope my wife has stopped breast feeding by the time our baby is 12. That wouldn’t be normal, right?

One might ask me: You’ve had kids before, correct? You’ve been down this road more than once! True. I have 4 kids. However, the other 3 were all bottle fed babies. I’ve never seen anything like this in my life. I’ve never seen someone shit so much before. I thought I shit a lot. I was diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome about 6 years ago. A healthy diet has really cut down on the dead animal smelling farts and the mud-butt I suffered every other day. This baby is on a healthy diet and she squirts yellow or green sludge 18 times a day. If my baby could understand her father I would beg her: Please, for daddy…Go shit in the toilet. I love you, but your diapers are killing me.

Of all the hopes I wrote above, right now, that is my greatest.


About Modern American Man

I'm a blogger from the Pacific Northwest who wants to create dialogue about American culture.
This entry was posted in Cynicism and Sarcasm, Life Less Ordinary and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Of All My Hopes, That is the Greatest

  1. Schnyd says:

    Oh my god this makes me so happy to finally have all my kids out of diapers.

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